Life on Hold

What is life but a series of events. Between these events that shape our lives, there are moments that just are not as eventful and just plain boring. Sometimes I feel like life is on hold before the next event and there is not many experiences that are relevant building up to the future. I think that I am in a lull right now, there are many things that I want to be working on right now but there just seems to be an overwhelmingly amount of work and self-sacrifices that I must go through.

I want to be lazy and coast through those moments. It is almost a default setting that seems to be programmed into me. Part of this whole growth phase in my life has been to conquer my past and finally move on, but I really question whether or not I have the sheer resolve to see it through. It is always self-doubt in the face of uncertainty that troubles me the most. Between significant events in my life, I have felt that life is all about slogging through it and just surviving to point B. Going through school was a bit like that, as I was just biding time before I graduate. Now it feels like I am just biding time again before some unknown future event.

I have had moments of great energy and motivation usually accompanied by droughts and lulls. Sometimes these moments are a life event such as graduation or marriage and sometimes it can be a someone close to you. For example, lately I have been on a crazy spree, taking on lots of challenges and starting new opportunities in hopes of gaining some extra money on the side. I have been listing things that I was doing and tasks that I hope to accomplish for the future. But do you know the real reason, I started to do all those things? Because of a girl. Like all things that men do in their lives is indirectly related to a girl, whether it is impressing a girl or getting over one, it really is all that simple.

Unfortunately, for me I was trying to get over one. Which led me to over exert myself in the current state that I am in. I would have to say that I am a bit more stressed that usual. Waking up exhausted and not having the mental energy to really do what I need to do on some days. I can't say that I could have prevented it, but it was what happened and now I have to deal with it.

I think that I am in a period in between events and I have to just survive life and try to grow from it. It ain't easy, but there is little alternative. It is just one of those months that is just a bit more interesting than all the other ones. Time to get some sleepless sleep.

Change of Heart

Sometimes all we need to do in life is to have a change of heart. People do it all the time, they change their mind about something or someone and that's it for them. I have mixed feelings about making a decision like that without significant time to explore whether or not it is the right decisions or not, but ultimately I think that it can be seen as a sign of strength.

We all make decisions throughout life, it defines who we are. We are the summation of all our choices. Some are simple and some are exceedingly complex, but one thing it certain if we hesitate and delay a decision we risk, losing out on our ability to choose and get stuck with what we have. There were plenty of times in my life that I didn't want to make a decision because I was afraid of either the consequences or dealing what others thought of my choice.

The thing is, when you wait and think through all of the possible solutions or outcomes, you get paralyzed with "what if?" and you end up doing nothing or worst others make the decision for you. For me that represents a loss of control, when others start to dictate my life.

My relationships have been the epitome of this problem. I have always tried to think through and explore all of the possibilities when I am with someone but, unlike most things logic doesn't work. Emotions are inherently illogical and therefore literally impossible to predict. Many a times, I got burned because I made a decision based on logic and not my heart.

See the thing is, that most women test their guy by throwing rapid fire questions at them expecting an immediate answer to reaffirm their love for her, if they don't answer fast enough it is a sign of indecision and therefore lack of firm commitment. That is where I still stumble... As an engineer, I am trained to look before I leap, it is not a sign of lack of commitment, it's just a school of thought. I mean I have to think through my answers because I want to give the most honest response. Which admittedly kills attraction, because it is so realistic.

Love is almost like a blind faith that you just have to trust with everything you have. How many people can say they do that? I imagine not many, because how sure are we of anything in life besides death and taxes?

I think that sometimes logic must take a step back and we must trust the moment and make a decision to take a risk. I was always a bit slow to show my love for the people that were in my life, I hesitated when they asked me and never gave a strong confident answer. I lacked conviction. But the thing is that I can't gain conviction through thinking or dwelling about it, it must come from a leap of faith.

I realized that neither person in a relationship really knows how it is going to end up, but one person must commit to it for it to have a chance. Very rarely both people commits at same time, usually one then the other, but if no one takes the plunge and commits then no one does. I vow never to make that mistake again, I must take the lead. If I don't, then I lose more than life's version of musical chairs, I might lose the ability to truly commit to another person. All it takes is a change of heart...

Kindness Unleashed

I've always been amazed by the kindness of strangers, a kind act or a phrase of sincerity can go along way to somebody. On many occasions, I have been completely taken back at how some people can open their hearts in times of troubles and sorrow. I hope that I may be able to as giving to those who have provided me a port of harbor in stormy weather.

When I was in Kyoto, Japan during the summer, I had pack light in lieu of the hot and humid summer months. Little did I know that it was monsoon season in Kyoto, about an hour after leaving the train station I got caught in a torrental downpour. I was taking a walking tour of the city when it started to rain and as time webt on it got worse and worse. After waiting for a while for the rain to pass, I decided to risk it and continue my several kilometer tour. Well, I was soaked from head to toe in ten minutes and was in bad shape.

I sought refuge in a local cafe to try and get dry and warmed up. The staff thought I was completely mad to go without an umbrella, of course that was my interpretation as I didn't know Japanese. I was drying myself with several dozen little napkins in a vain effort to try and dry my soaked wallet and passport. The staff helped me with some clean towels as they looked on with either sympathy or confusement. I had to ask them where I could purchase an umbrella for the trip home and they did not know where I get one. After seening my rain drenched body, one of the female staff decided to offer her umbrella to give to me. I offered her some cash but she was insistent on giving me the umbrella for free. I walked out of the store a little less wet and a lot more appreciative of the kindness of others.

Maybe it was the culture of the Japanese or it was the pathetic state I was in, but the fact that they reached out in time of my need was amazing to me. I think that today's culture and society does not promote enough kindness and generocity to others. The act of giving is in itself a very pleasurable gesture. It's like a quick pick me up for people who want to feel better about themselves.

I will do my best to be more generous and giving to others in times of need and hardship. The world can use a bit more umbrellas to give us shelter from the rains of selfishness and self-centeredness.

Love and other drugs

I've always wondered if there was one person for each of us in this world. Out of 7 billion people, you would think that there statistical would be an ideal match that would "perfect." I believe it to be true, although the likelihood of you meeting them is next to impossible throughout a lifetime, never mind the fact that both people have to be available and relatively close in age.

In the past I've always kept with this attitude in meeting people, even if I knew that it would be worse than finding a needle in a haystack in the middle of America. I would always try to find better and hold out for the best person that I could, passing on those that I thought weren't what I was looking for and even to go as far as avoiding certain people that I thought weren't worth my time. By always thinking that over the next hill there will be something bigger and better, I kinda shielded myself from others and them from myself. It was a cold and shallow way of finding love. Pursuing those that were only based on looks and first impressions certainly had its allure and glamor. But for whatever reason, they rarely had anything in common with me, and soon fizzled out.

I would say I missed out on a couple of opportunities that could've been more had I been open to the idea. But the past is past. The point is, I used my past history to cloud my present and make decisions based on what I thought was just and fair. Now that I look back and think back on some of the choices that I made, I truly feel a bit foolish. It is never easy to admit that as logical and as reasonable one can be, they are not immune to the pressures of society to think and behave a certain way towards people. But I for one can say that I have committed stereotyping and shallow behavior to impress others.

The past couple of months have really been an eye opener for me and my previous beliefs. I never had to think too deeply about them or the consequences about what I believed about love and romance. I always had people to shelter me from my ideas and how I go about doing things, they were used to my way of doing things and never really questioned if they were morally correct. I guess that is one of the biggest lessons being on your own in a new place with no social network. People you don't know can call me out on my bullshit without hesitation, since there is no prior history. Seems like common sense, but it is really interesting to see it in action. Having a zero sum attitude is a one way ticket to realizing that you are a little fish in a big pond.

My good friend Ryan once told me that, "Your goal should be, go out there and meet people, and not just women." At the time I heard this I was very skeptical about his words and thought that this was inefficient. The more I think about it, I realized that it made perfect sense and it wasn't inefficient it was very efficient and practical. The more people you know the more chances of meeting more people in general and probability go up that you'll bump into your future mate. But what he was stressing was that you must show that compassion to everyone, regardless of who they are or where they come from. It's about karma. Ultimately, all we have in life are the people and the relationships that are formed.


Perhaps there is no perfect person for any of us. Maybe there is a bunch of close enoughs, out there that with a bit of work and persistence can be "perfect." I've always thought that, all I needed to do was to find the perfect person and they would solve all my problems and be happy in the end. If they were pretty enough or smart enough, then maybe they can mask enough of my own issues, that my problems wouldn't matter. I guess it is the simplest solution rather than look deeply into ourselves as the one that needs a fixer-upper. My problems are mine alone to fix and shouldn't be relied upon others to mediate them. Hence, this blog has allowed me to be accountable and reflect upon myself in a very personal way.

It is always a long journey to change oneself, but the deciding to take the first step is the hardest of them all. We have to accept that we ourselves are flawed and require change. Hopefully, the end result will be a warmer and fuzzier Steven for all to enjoy.

Gypsy told me to jump off a cliff... I said sure!

Well, I went to the San Jose Renaissance Fair and I got my fortune read. I always have been interested in my future, even if it is someones interpretation of it. I've always been fascinated about whether of not they are truly bullshitting people or that they have a real gift. Maybe I am more gullible than most, so I decided to see what I could learn about myself.

Well it is as I feared, I am going to experience much work and stress throughout the next year. I will attain much success but I do risk a burnout in the near future and culminate in making a decision about my career. Not sure how to take that, but it sounds both good and bad.

She also said that the love of my life will arrive in 2-3 years...not quick enough for me. Haha, well time to have some fun right? Also a second love in my late 30s is coming, does that mean one is not enough?

I don't know I believe her, but it is fun to think about how life could be for me. Oh almost forgot that she also said that I should be writer because I have an untapped creative talent. Well I am currently 4 pages deep in my new novel, coming soon in 2015! Hey why not? I always wanted to write and now I have the motivation to do so because a gypsy told me I should. If I become rich and successful it would be all worth it.

 Someone will be my almost lover.....